Apparently, the brain wizzards over at the Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts have decided to take one of New York’s best-reviewed shows of the year (South Pacific), and combine it with one of New York’s worst-reviewed performers of the year (our very own Laura Osnes).  According to Playbill.com, Osnes will replace Tony-nominee Kelli O’Hara (who’s leaving to give birth) from March 10th to October 6th.

I tried to think of something funny to say, but I got nothin’.  So instead, I’ll leave you with this Laura Osnes/blind people story.

You know, there’s going to be dozens of new productions opening in the Twin Cities in the next few weeks.

But fuck that.  I need to know:  What in God’s name is Mike Hammer up to?

Tell me now!

Oh.  He’s playing Nixon?  In a play?  You mean the thing that other more famous guy already did?

Well, thank God for Graydon Royce, or I would have missed that tidbit.

Here we go again, theatre kiddies.  After a heaping helping of turkey, our beloved Kurt gives us another example of why the Strib’s Rohan Preston should be very thankful he has a job.

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Rohan Makes it Almost Too Easy

Thank heavens for Rohan Preston. Without him, I’d have nothing to review.

His latest horror story is a review of A Christmas Carol at IKEA on the River. Do I care that it’s the usual ass-kissing fluff piece we can expect? No — that’s become old hat by now. It’s just…oh my, where to start?

Ok, how about the beginning?

“Scrooge ranks among the most notable of Christmas villains. But unlike, say, the Grinch, that green stealer of holiday cheer, Scrooge does not remain an antagonist. The man for whom anything that does not earn money is “humbug” gets redeemed. And in his salvation we have a cautionary message about saving our own souls.”

Hey, Rohan, read a book. In fact, specifically, read How the Grinch Stole Christmas. It’s not very long, and has pretty pictures. It also has an antagonist whose “heart grows three sizes that day.” Maybe a kid can explain it to you, because clearly, you’ve never read it or got confused.

Rohan then goes on to discuss the “new touches” Gary Gissleman has added to the show (now in its 34th year).

“For example, he has the members of the company sweep sweetly through the aisles of the theater, arriving onstage in song.”

Wow! They’re right next to us! In the aisles! And singing! Best 70 dollars EVER spent!

“…the script has been tweaked in myriad little ways, including snipping Fezziwig’s progeny; he now has two daughters instead of the usual three.”

Okay folks — I know some of you have seen the show a number of years in a row. But it’s like Gissleman reinvented the wheel here, people. This is not your Grandmother’s Christmas Carol. Fezziwig only has two daughters. See if your tiny brains can keep from popping.

“The director also has introduced flourishes, with fabric and sound effects, that recall the theatricality of the now-defunct Theatre de la Jeune Lune.”

Sweet Jesus. Is this what we get to see for the next 20 years? Ridiculous comparisons to a defunct theater company that make no sense? I’m pretty sure 90% of the shows in the cities use both fabric and sound effects. What’s next? “They use dialogue — just like Jeune Lune! They do adaptations of shows — just like Jeune Lune! They bled money until they went bankrupt because they don’t know how to control their spending — just like Jeune Lune!” (Okay, the last one is completely valid. My bad.)

The rest of the review is essentially Rohan doing a summary of the plot of A Christmas Carol, for those 23 people in the world who can read, yet somehow do not know this story. I’ll be curious to see what grade Rohan gets on this review from his Intro to Theater professor.

For those of you who only read this blog for the Kurt, enjoy…

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In their latest “gee, what would we ever do without this kind of in-depth reporting”, the Star Tribune gives us a two minute video detailing how they transform actress Donna Vivino into the Wicked Witch of the West for the show Wicked.

Watch this amazing video.

No, wait.  I’m sorry.  Don’t.  I’ll sum it up for you as best I can and try to save some time.

They paint her green.

No, I know — shocking, but that’s it.

I might make fun of them for showing us how they made the fairies fly in during Midsummer, but at least that’s kind of fucking cool.

They paint her green.  Just like any small child or drunken college girl does for Halloween.  With less crying and vomiting.

Great, now I have to explain to my 5 year old niece why she doesn’t get to be on a video at the Strib explaining how we made her into a Smurf this year.  (Hint — we painted her blue).

I look forward to many more painstakingly researched answers to the questions that have haunted touring theater for ages:

How do they make the dog work in Annie?  (It’s a real dog)

How do they make up the Phantom?  (It’s a mask)

Why won’t they just pay the Rent?  (They’re a bunch of whiny assholes)

Kurt exposes more critical retardation in this edition of Review That Review. Remember when we did this post about Tom Mustachio? Yeah, me too. Don’t you kind of wish that Tom Mustachio and William Randall Beard would become besties? I think that’d be cute.

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William Randall Beard weighs in on an Agatha Christie piece at TRP, and lets us in on exactly how high the bar is now apparently set…

“Much of the rest of the acting is rather pedestrian. And the physical production is lackluster and unimaginative. But in this kind of show that hardly matters. As homage to Christie and her detective, this is still an enjoyable entertainment.”

Wow. Hear that folks? Pick a good show, and simply do a “pedestrian”, “lackluster”, and “unimaginative” production of it. As long as the show is a good one, we’ll give you a free ride.

Hey Randall, why don’t you go back to “reviewing” Park Square shows?

Hi, kids!

Our beloved Kurt is back at it. This time he uses his tweezers of accountability to pluck out all the stupid in the latest Rohan Preston article published by the Strib. Enjoy!

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No, really — it’s an article about comedy, not the Guthrie. It just happens to include only actors who happen to be in the Guthrie’s production of The Inspector General.

Who would have thought?

Clearly, after being raked over the coals for paying attention to other theaters in the Cities besides IKEA On The River, Rohan Preston gets out his chapstick and kisses some “All Star” ass at the Big Blue.

Let’s review the highlights:

1. An article called “Finding the Funny” that lacks any humor in it whatsoever. The opening line is this: “You saw my Bottom?” Stephen Pelinski asked a fellow actor. “Last time I played Oberon, and now I’ve descended to Bottom.” That’s the funniest line in the article. No, seriously.
2. Preston remarks twice on the awkward discomfort in the room between actor Stephen Pelinski and author Jeffrey Hatcher. Boy, nothing more hilarious than veiled contempt!
3. According to Rohan, if you want to make something funny, “it also helps to have a good singing voice”. WTF? Wow, if you use that kind of logic, a lot of Rohan’s past reviews start to make sense.
4. Apparently, there are no other funny people in this town. God forbid Shanan Wexler or Caleb and Katy McEwen or Dean Holt or Joe and Josh Scrimshaw or Lauren Anderson or Ari Hoptman or Kevin Kling or Jill Bernard or Mo Perry or Brian Sostek or Megan McClellan or Greta Grosch or Miss Richfield or Bill Arnold, Michael Pearce Donley, and Bob Stromberg, or Stevie Ray or Doug Ocar or Maren Ward or Grant Richey or Lee Adams or blah blah blah blah blah get asked about what makes something funny. Oh, wait. None of them are working for the Guthrie right now. My bad.

I’d comment more, but I’m assuming I need to save some energy for the big article next week about Hunter Foster coming to the Twin Cities, and then even more for the actual review.

God bless you, local theater press coverage!

We’re a little late getting this one up, but Kurt is back with a short but sweet addition to Review That Review!  Enjoy, kiddies!

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Critical giant Rohan Preston returns with another article trying to figure out why Jeune Lune closed down. (Here’s an idea: If you only have a dollar, don’t go and spend two. Especially a million times.)

I point this story out not because we need to know to delve into what went wrong (Hint: They spent too much money!), but more because I feel the need to point out this amazing feat:

Rohan Preston wrote a very long article (4 web pages) that never once mentioned the Guthrie.

I can only assume he’ll be reprimanded shortly. I look forward to an avalanche of coverage for The Inspector General.

Kurt is back with a brand-spankin’ new Review That Review! This time, he takes on this Strib review from Rohan Preston, and continues to pick on good ol’ Dominic Papatola by slamming this review.

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Deep Thoughts on Spamalot

Both papers weighed in this week on the touring production of Spamalot, which has already traveled through town once before, and hit Broadway over three years ago. Ooh, exciting.

Mr. Papatola, ever wise in his knowledge of pop culture, questions the longevity of such an irreverent show:

“I’m not sure Spamalot will stand the test of time, joining the lexicon of great old musicals of the past that have entered the canon and live on in high school, community and college productions.””

Yes Dominic, I’’m sure it will fade away into obscurity, just like the original source. I’’d write more, but tonight is the weekly meeting of the ““Knights who Impersonate the Knights Who Say Ni.”” I’’m sure most of you don’’t know what I’’m referencing, but that’’s okay - the movie never really stood the test of time, much I’’m sure, like the musical won’t either.

On the dumber side of the river, Rohan Preston, who is to critical theater reviewing what Brett Favre is to critical theater reviewing, had this to say:

“Much of the fun in Spamalot comes from its chutzpah as the show expertly sends up theatrical and pop-culture chestnuts. It alludes to Fiddler on the Roof, Singin’ in the Rain, and any number of musicals. It makes fun of the big-voiced pop diva, here written out of the story and relegated to pouting.

As the performers ham a lot in Spamalot, the parodies of cultural cliches underscore the notion that so much of what we see fits certain formulae and types. So, it’s nice to have things upended, like the fairy tale of the princess in need of a rescue.”

Dude, seriously? Shut up. You just made Monty Python sound boring. You should get kicked in the nuts repeatedly just for that. And, thank you for using “chutzpah”” AND “”formulae”” in the same paragraph. While that’’s the most intelligent a Strib review has ever sounded, unfortunately, no one gives a flying fuck. (“”Fuck”” being a very intelligent word, by the way. While it fits certain formulae, it shows chutzpah.)

I have to give Rohan some props though - at least he didn’’t write some tripe about how the actors were using facial expressions and gestures to show their emotions…you know - acting? That would be the true sign of…

(Oh. Damn. I just read almost every review Rohan ever wrote. Never mind.)

Okay, you pansy-ass reviewers. You thought you had it easy…but that’s no longer the case. Prepare to have your reviews reviewed!

This week’s review (yeah, it’s not really a review so back off) can be found here.

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Dominic Papatola’’s latest weekly opinion piece is a short ramble about how the arts community should have a big kickoff event like the fishing opener, and maybe somehow we could get the Governor involved.

On the surface, it sounds pretty good. But then Papatola spends half the article talking about how A.) it would be hard to pull off and B.) it wouldn’t be as entertaining as the fishing opener.

Really? Well done, Dominic — you’’ve informed your audience that the combined arts communities of Minnesota wouldn’t be able to put together an event more interesting than sitting in a boat with a fucking stick in your hand for hours at a time. And this was your damn idea in the first place!

What’s next? A story about how the Fringe Festival should be more like NASCAR? (Actually that might be a good angle. The conditions tend to be exceedingly hot, the audience sometimes smells, and the participants always seem to lean to the left in their work. Although I will say I’’ve seen WAY more car wrecks onstage at the Fringe than in a year of ESPN highlights.)