There are quite possibly 8,563 holiday shows in the Twin Cities this year. Enjoy A Christmas Carol? You have at least 8 versions to choose from. Maybe The Nutcracker gives you the biggest boner. You’ll have to make do with only 3. Yes, from Christmas Klingons to Hanukkah goblins, you’re sure to get your fill of holiday hack jobs this year.

But have no fear. FringeFamous is here to help you sift through the crappy shows and pull out the ones that won’t make you feel like you just got punched in the dick. So, here they are, ladies and gents…our Top 10 Not-Assy Holiday Shows of 2008!

10. The Santaland Diaries — Theatre Limina puts this on every year over at the Bryant Lake Bowl. I’ve never actually seen it, but I’ve heard good things. David Sedaris wrote it and he’s totally gay, just like Christmas.

9. All is Calm: The Christmas Truce of 1914 — Okay, I admit it. I would rather shoot myself in the eye with a nail gun than sit through this Theater Latte Da production. So why is it on my list of not-assy holiday shows? Because it’s not assy. It’s actually very well done. And if you bring your grandma to this show, I guarantee she will put away that ugly Christmas sweater and just give you a huge sack of money this year.

8. Kevin Kling - Tales from the Charred Underbelly of the Yule Log — Kevin Kling rocks socks off. He just does. Keep in mind, it’s a one-day-only situation. And if you have family in town, you can show them around Guthrie Corporation, which has an amazingly long escalator and futuristic furniture!

7. The Holiday Pageant — If you haven’t been over to Open Eye Figure Theatre, you’re missing out…and will continue to do so, as this show is over at the Pantages. Michael Sommers is a pretty brilliant dude and this one-night-only performance will certainly not disappoint.

6. Martini & Olive’s “Silent Night Fever” – Grant Richey and Judy Heneghan have been doing this schtick for years and it really never gets old. They, however, are very old.

5. Black Nativity — It’s hard not to feel in the holiday spirit when you’ve got all kinds of jazz and gospel music filling the house. So yeah…this Penumbra production has all that.

4. Fat Man Crying — Joseph Scrimshaw is almost always a no-brainer. Tim Uren is good for the soul. And Katie Hartman is a Fringie award-winner! SHE WON A FREAKING FRINGIE!!

3. A Klingon Christmas Carol — How can you not go see this show? Even if it’s the suckiest piece of suck that ever sucked…how can you not go see it?

2. A Christmas Carole Petersen — Tod Petersen’s holiday show is a must. It loses a little something now that it’s over at the Ordway’s McKnight Theatre, but not enough to keep it off your holiday list.

1. All I Want for Christmas is 700 Billion Dollars: Our 50th Noel – The Brave New Workshop is the best theatre in town at making me like theatre. They can probably do the same for you. But you’ll never know unless you attend this show.

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5 HOLIDAY SHOWS I WISH I COULD MURDER

1. Guthrie Corporation’s A Christmas Carol – I can’t believe it’s possible to spend $70 to see A Christmas Carol.

2. Chan’s Another Night Before Christmas — If the show is as clever as the title, I could’ve made this #1.

3. History Theatre’s A Servants’ Christmas – The Most Boring Theatre in the Twin Cities has done it again!

4. Park Square’s Jacob Marley’s Christmas Carol — How cheap do you have to be to produce a one-man holiday show?

5. Hennepin Stages’ A ‘Don’t Hug Me’ Christmas Carol — Just when you thought you were as sick of A Christmas Carol as one person could be…