It’s been just over a week since the Jeune Lune held it’s everything-must-go garage sale, and already there’s been a returned item.

Let’s face it.  Even if the building was sold, would the money ever make it to the bank?  I imagine the artistic directors picking up the $3 million and blowing it all on a gigantic diamond-studded swing set surrounded by 47 flat panel televisions.  When you’d ask them where the money went, they’d just slowly turn to you and emote.

For the second straight week, I’m not posting the 550s because there’s just plain nothing there.

This Strib article has been around for a while, but I’m just now getting around to it SO BACK OFF! In said article, the ironically-named Eric Ringham gets sandblasted right smack in his vagina when someone’s cell phone goes off during a production of Guthrie Corporation’s Shadowlands.

Now, don’t get me wrong. When a cell phone goes off in the middle of a show, I’m just as annoyed as you. But Mr. Ringham takes it to another level. Enjoy…

“You. Are you aware of the disruption you caused? Do you understand, now, why you must never let it happen again? It was not a discreet ring, quickly muffled; that would have been bad enough. It was an upbeat tune, probably from some online library of downloadable ringtones, and it played awhile.”

Ugh! Despicable! Getting upbeat ring tones from an online library. Those sons of bitches!! Can’t they just be happy with the ring tones that came installed on the phone?

“At this time of year, unfortunately, it also must compete with the artillery sounds of coughs that threaten to drown out the actors. We can forgive those involuntary interruptions, even as we wonder why someone with a persistent hacking cough would go to a movie, let alone a theater performance.”

Those god damned, motherfucking coughers! Stay home, you phlegm-launching ass hats!!

“The actors stayed in the moment, though they too must have heard it.”

They must’ve, right? I mean, I know they’re actors on the stahge, but surely they must have external auditory canals which collect sound waves to send to the brain…yes? THEY MUST HAVE HEARD IT, TOO!! And yet, those brave Guthrie Corp. actors just went on with the show…without so much as an angry look.

“Never let your cell phone embarrass you again. To paraphrase the play, let the pain, now, be part of the happiness, then. Please?”

So there it is, theatre folks; proof that Mr. Eric Ringham is a huge, overly-dramatic lord of douches. He is Mayor Whiny of New Cryington. Ringham has climbed Mount Dumbass and placed his wiener flag at the summit. And his moronic article is a ringing cell phone in the Shadowlands of my life.

One of our loyal readers recently asked if we could help him understand how to replace a failed brake light in his car.  Now, as most of you know, FringeFamous.com has always been about providing the Twin Cities with the most astute and comprehensive theatre commentary possible.  That being said, there’s really no reason for FringeFamous.com to exist if not to foster the betterment of our readers and their lives.  And so, without any further ado — here’s how you fix a fucking brake light.  Now beat it.

1. Determine how the bulb is accessed: On some models the lens (the red or white plastic part over the light) must be unscrewed from the outside, and on others the bulb is accessible only from inside the trunk. If there are no screws on the lens, you can assume that the bulb must be replaced from inside. Usually there will be a plastic cover that must be removed in order to access the bulb. There may be tabs, screws or small knobs that hold this plastic cover in place.
2. Unscrew the lens on the outside, or take off the plastic cover from inside the trunk, to reveal the bulb.
3. Unscrew the bulb. You’ll have to push in and turn at the same time.
4. Take the bulb with you to the auto supply store to help you find an exact duplicate.
5. Clean the connection with a wire brush and/or wipe it clean with a rag if there’s any corrosion.
6. Screw the new bulb into the empty socket. Again, you’ll have to push in and turn simultaneously. Line up the tiny raised bumps on the base of the bulb in order to screw it in.
7. Replace the lens or the plastic cover.
8. Test your work by stepping on the brake and turning on the headlights while a friend watches the new bulb to make sure it lights up.

Here are some fun snip-its from a recent MPR story on how cute it is that artsist don’t make any money.  Awwwwwww…look at those tough little artsist.  Good for them!

Leah Cooper on throwing “rent parties”

“It’s sort of a way of putting a happy face on a pretty dire situation which is “Oh my gosh, I can’t make my rent” and that’s when you send an e-mail out saying ‘Hey, I’m having a party and I’m hoping you can each bring $5 to contribute towards my rent and I’ll make mac and cheese,’” explained Cooper. “It’s a really nice way of asking for help from your friends without sounding desperate and remaining celebratory about life.”

Yup.  Doesn’t sound desperate at all.

Here’s dancer/choreographer Arwen Wilder’s take on entertaining kids

She says fortunately young kids are pretty easy to entertain so rather than take her daughter to an expensive aquarium; they’ll go for a ride on the bus, or walk around a marketplace.

Her kids must’ve been so excited when the light rail opened.

Writer N.M. Kelby educates us on money

“Money is about the human heart,” says Kelby. “Money is just this device, just a way that we define ourselves. It’s nothing more than that; it should have no more power than that. Because we manipulate currency.”

Wow.  It’s like she’s been reading my mind.

If you’re anything like me, your life has probably been dominated by the age-old question:  do old chicks masturbate?  Well, thanks to this TV ad, we finally have the answer.

There are two reasons that I think this video belongs in a theatre blog post.

1. The actress in the middle has absolutely mastered the “sarcastic eye roll”.
2. We now know what the “masturbating old lady” type looks like.

My favorite line:  “It comes in this awesome little bag.”  I’M SOLD!

For those of you who only read this blog for the Kurt, enjoy…

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In their latest “gee, what would we ever do without this kind of in-depth reporting”, the Star Tribune gives us a two minute video detailing how they transform actress Donna Vivino into the Wicked Witch of the West for the show Wicked.

Watch this amazing video.

No, wait.  I’m sorry.  Don’t.  I’ll sum it up for you as best I can and try to save some time.

They paint her green.

No, I know — shocking, but that’s it.

I might make fun of them for showing us how they made the fairies fly in during Midsummer, but at least that’s kind of fucking cool.

They paint her green.  Just like any small child or drunken college girl does for Halloween.  With less crying and vomiting.

Great, now I have to explain to my 5 year old niece why she doesn’t get to be on a video at the Strib explaining how we made her into a Smurf this year.  (Hint — we painted her blue).

I look forward to many more painstakingly researched answers to the questions that have haunted touring theater for ages:

How do they make the dog work in Annie?  (It’s a real dog)

How do they make up the Phantom?  (It’s a mask)

Why won’t they just pay the Rent?  (They’re a bunch of whiny assholes)

Here’s something funny…

The 2009 Minnesota Fringe Festival application came out today.  WOO HOO!  Here’s a little bit from the site itself:

“Starting this year, there is a $25 nonrefundable application fee. The producing fee of $400 remains unchanged (2009 is the fourth year it hasn’t increased. Hooray!).”

So now you get to pay money even if you don’t end up participating in the festival.  Hooray??

C’mon, Fringe Festival.  You can’t pat yourself on the back for not increasing the producing fee right after you tell us about the brand-spankin’ new, nonrefundable, $25 application fee.

Silly Fringe…

This is far from breaking news.  But when the headline reads ANDOVER MAN SHOT WITH CROSSBOW, BEATEN WITH BAT, RUN OVER, BURNED, and then you read that one of the people who allegedly did the shooting, beating, running over, and burning was an actress, and that the guy who got shot, beaten, run over, and burned was her brother…you sort of have to post about it on your theatre blog.  I’m pretty sure that’s a rule.

On the bright side, just think of what she’s added to her emotional recall kit!