Today, I’m recovering from Monday night’s Twin Cities Theatre Prom. I’m sure you’re super surprised to hear that I found much of this event to be stupid. And not even just normal stupid…I’m talking I-put-my-dick-in-a-bee-hive stupid. The following are just a few of the things that made my head explode.

• No Categories/Nominees – This is, by far, the most moronic aspect of the Iveys. The claim is that with nominees, there are losers. And the Iveys are not a competition. But with the inclusion of nominees, the Iveys would be able to give recognition to five outstanding performers/designers/theatre companies per category instead of just one. Also, without nominees, we have no idea who’s going to be recognized, and when somebody is recognized, it’s totally confusing as to what they’re being recognized for. I just read in the Strib that awards were given out for categories such as “Overall Impact”, “Innovative Concept”, and “Emotional Impact”. But I was there…I don’t remember those categories. Was I too drunk? Fair question.
• Have A Host – Not having a host is totally gay…and not in a good way. If we have a city that’s so theatrically fantastic, get some funny fuck to host the damn thing. Instead, we have to listen to old, boring, out-of-towners who have no idea what’s going on in this scene. With nobody to tie it all together, the night gets very long.
• Don’t Cut Them Off – Why in the hell were Ivey winners getting cut off in the middle of their speeches? Was this being televised live? Do we have important commercial breaks we have to squeeze in? I could be wrong, but I don’t think so. Also, without any nominees, nobody knows that they might win. All the speeches, in theory, are totally off-the-cuff. C’mon, Iveys. It’s your fault that these people aren’t prepared.
• Fashion Show – Can somebody please explain this to me? I can still taste the bile in my mouth.
• One Comp/Company – I heard through the grapevine that the Iveys give each participating company one comp for the show. One. One single ticket. How ’bout we cut the number of roaming camera men from five to three and give every company a whopping two comps to the show. Pairs seem like they have so much more fun.
• Dominique Serrand Can Go Away Now – Serrand’s speech was just a bit too blamey for my taste. “The angels we’ve hoped for have not appeared. The powers that be have spoken with their silence.” Was he expecting somebody to show up with a big sack of money for him to blow through again? I don’t get it. You made great theatre, Dommy, but you’re a shit ton more at fault for your company’s collapse than the Twin Cities community.
• Don Stoltz – J/K Rowling. This was one of the only authentic-feeling moments of the entire night. Thank god he beat polio.
• Programs – I have no fucking clue why these existed. They served absolutely no purpose whatsoever. Dumb.
• Early Bar Close – Um…the bars inside the theatre closed right after the show started. What. The. Fuck?! This is another example of the Iveys overestimating their entertainment value. It’s a tough event to get through if you’re sober.

Sure, there’s more, but you get the picture. Did I have fun? Yeah, I think I did…but in the same way you’d have fun at the circus watching the Freak Show, or at the zoo when you catch a monkey jerking off. In conclusion, I’d definitely recommend starting a theatre company so you can get a comp to next year’s show.

Love always,

Jay