MPR recently ran this story about the Shubert Theater and how unbelievably long it’s taken to renovate this bad boy.

When Artspace originally announced plans for restoring the Shubert in 2000, it projected a 2004 opening date. In 2006, after the Legislature approved $11 million in bonding for the project, Artspace said the Shubert would be open in the fall of 2008.

Now project director Kim Motes says the opening is being pushed back again.

“We’re really now looking at — our design process will be completed in the fall,” she said. “So we could break ground in the fall of 2008.”

And if everything goes as planned, the Shubert’s doors will open in January, 2010. Motes says any groundbreaking or opening date depends on fundraising, and the project just isn’t there yet.

So how long do we need to raise funds for something before we can officially say that not enough people give a crap about it? I’d say 10 years is a nice round number.

Kurt is back with a brand-spankin’ new Review That Review! This time, he takes on this Strib review from Rohan Preston, and continues to pick on good ol’ Dominic Papatola by slamming this review.

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Deep Thoughts on Spamalot

Both papers weighed in this week on the touring production of Spamalot, which has already traveled through town once before, and hit Broadway over three years ago. Ooh, exciting.

Mr. Papatola, ever wise in his knowledge of pop culture, questions the longevity of such an irreverent show:

“I’m not sure Spamalot will stand the test of time, joining the lexicon of great old musicals of the past that have entered the canon and live on in high school, community and college productions.””

Yes Dominic, I’’m sure it will fade away into obscurity, just like the original source. I’’d write more, but tonight is the weekly meeting of the ““Knights who Impersonate the Knights Who Say Ni.”” I’’m sure most of you don’’t know what I’’m referencing, but that’’s okay - the movie never really stood the test of time, much I’’m sure, like the musical won’t either.

On the dumber side of the river, Rohan Preston, who is to critical theater reviewing what Brett Favre is to critical theater reviewing, had this to say:

“Much of the fun in Spamalot comes from its chutzpah as the show expertly sends up theatrical and pop-culture chestnuts. It alludes to Fiddler on the Roof, Singin’ in the Rain, and any number of musicals. It makes fun of the big-voiced pop diva, here written out of the story and relegated to pouting.

As the performers ham a lot in Spamalot, the parodies of cultural cliches underscore the notion that so much of what we see fits certain formulae and types. So, it’s nice to have things upended, like the fairy tale of the princess in need of a rescue.”

Dude, seriously? Shut up. You just made Monty Python sound boring. You should get kicked in the nuts repeatedly just for that. And, thank you for using “chutzpah”” AND “”formulae”” in the same paragraph. While that’’s the most intelligent a Strib review has ever sounded, unfortunately, no one gives a flying fuck. (“”Fuck”” being a very intelligent word, by the way. While it fits certain formulae, it shows chutzpah.)

I have to give Rohan some props though - at least he didn’’t write some tripe about how the actors were using facial expressions and gestures to show their emotions…you know - acting? That would be the true sign of…

(Oh. Damn. I just read almost every review Rohan ever wrote. Never mind.)

Okay, I’m not usually one for these sorts of sappy tributes…but this guy was one of my favorites.

Good news for you, kiddies…especially if you didn’t get cast in the Guthrie’s production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. You’ve got a second chance because Park Square Theatre (the 2nd most boring theatre in the Twin Cities) is holding auditions!

I’m pretty sure it’s only an Equity call and you can get all the info here, but more importantly: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Okay, I realize this is not breaking news. I understand that Park Square has had this show scheduled for a while. I know that I’m just finding this out now, but my question remains: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Why on planet Earth would Park Square do this show four months after the Guthrie? Was it a dare? Did somebody think this was a funny joke? I just plain don’t get it. And to make matters worse, it’s billed as a “special return engagement”. So these morons actually produced the show already…and then thought to themselves “ya know, there jist isn’t enough a them Shakespeare doins in this here town — let’s do ours AGAIN”.

I’d say that the Twin Cities has the theatrical imagination of a lobotomized donkey, but that would be an insult to lobotomized donkeys. And if there’s one thing I said I’d never insult on this blog, it’s the lobotomized donkey population.

What do YOU think about lobotomized donkeys?

Just when you thought you were done with us, we’re back with another FringeFamous Five. This week, we bring you Zach Curtis, Artistic Director of the Paul Bunyan Playhouse.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but you freelance direct in the Twin Cities, you act pretty regularly, and you’re also the Artistic Director of the Paul Bunyan Playhouse in Bemidji. All of this leads me to my first question: why do you hate yourself so much?

ZACH CURTIS: Well, there’’s a certain amount of self-loathing in every theater artist, wouldn’t you say? I’’ve been pretty fortunate to have worked for five of the last six years without a regular, non-theater day job. It’s been great to focus on the theater, and to get to do a variety of things. Also, I really have no other talents, so I’’ve been lucky. And the Playhouse gives me three solid months of work every year, so I can’t complain.

How did you end up with the job in Bemidji?

ZC: Believe it or not, an ad on tctfa.org. They had fought their way back from almost closing in 2000, and the previous Artistic Director really got them back on their feet again. When he left, they were looking for someone to take them to the next level, and I happened to be ready at the right time.

What are the major differences between what you were doing with Fifty Foot Penguin and what you’re doing now with the Paul Bunyan Playhouse?

ZC: I’’m not spending my own money? That’’s an awesome part of it. Also, being able to have a real budget, and not just what’’s in my personal bank account at the time of the show is nice. Also, with Fifty Foot Penguin, it was pretty much just me. In Bemidji, I have a Board of Directors, box office staff, and a full time production team of seven. Those are luxuries you simply can’t afford when self-producing.

But with the Playhouse, your time is much more limited, and rehearsals are quick and condensed, and it requires a much stronger focus - but the great part is, that’’s all you’’re doing every day - focusing on the show. Plus we all live together (the company is housed at Bemidji State University), so there’’s a hippie commune feel, but with more laundry being done.

Christy DeSmith recently wrote an article in Minnesota Monthly about what seems to be declining numbers in the houses of several local theatres. If you’ve seen any of this in Bemidji, what plans do you have to turn this trend around? If this problem has not reached Bemidji, what kinds of things are you doing to make sure this trend stays away from the Paul Bunyan Playhouse?

ZC: I’’m heading into my third season, and fortunately for us, we’’ve seen a rise in tickets sales each year. Part of it (from what we’ve been told by our audiences) is due to the strong productions we’re staging, and some is due to choosing interesting works that audiences want to come in from the lake and see. As long as the Playhouse is able to keep providing the strongest talent from both the Cities and Bemidji, and keeps doing challenging and entertaining work, I don’t see it heading back into it’s dark days again.

My favorite thing to hear from audience members is “I can’’t wait to see what you’’re going to do next.” As long as we keep hearing that, I think we’’ll be fine.

If somebody is on the fence about making the drive up to Bemidji to see a show at the Paul Bunyan Playhouse this summer, what would you say to get them off that fence and in their car?

ZC: I would say that there’’s a thrilling energy to Playhouse performances, because the people who are involved are focused so much on the show, and not on the rest of the world that distracts us so often in our process. There’s just a lot of enjoyment of what we get to do. These performers and technicians aren’t getting paid what I wish they could be - but they aren’’t doing it for that reason. They come up and they work hard because it’s a sort of mini-vacation, and they get to play and have fun and “put on a play”. I find the whole environment rather freeing, and I think it draws some incredible work out of people.

Also, Bemidji has a very strong sense of community, and audiences love having the Playhouse as part of their summer activities. So, to watch a show with an audience who appreciates the Playhouse’’s presence as much as the company members do is a treat.

And it’’s in Bemidji - it’’s really a gorgeous town. There’’s a giant lake 100 yards out our back door. How can you not like that?

Zach Curtis begins his third season as the Artistic Director of the Paul Bunyan Playhouse next week. In a previous life, he was the Artistic Director of Fifty Foot Penguin Theater in Minneapolis. In addition he is a freelance director, scenic designer and Equity Actor. He was last seen onstage in Theatre Pro Rata’’s Metamorphoses.

EAGAN SUMMER THEATRE AUDITIONS

Oklahoma

Adults and high school age.

May 27 & May 28 7-10pm

Eagan High School, MPR 4185 Braddock Trail Enter Lower East Doors More info: eagan.k12.mn.us dswanson4248@comcast.net Performances July 17 - Aug 2

FIRE DANCE the African Connection at Cedar de la Jeune Lune. Auditions will be held at Folwell Middle School. 36th St & 21st Ave S, Mpls on May 30th between 4-7pm. Looking for dancers, singers, actors. For more info raney-dayproductions.com

AUDITION THE BOYSHOW Youth Performance Co. needs male actors ages 13-21 for original Fringe show. Multi-racial cast. Aud. Jun 2nd Call 612-623-9180 for info/appt.

ENTERTAINERS WANTED DEJA VU NIGHT CLUB Immediate start. no contests. no dance exp nec. Indep contractor status. FT/PT. Must be 18yrs. 315 Washington Ave N. Mpls. Call 612-333-6333

PRINT MODELS Wanted for companies like Abercrombie, Skechers & Claires. All ages, M/F, no exp req. Call 651-649-4500 Not a school - no reg fee!

Model Call Looking for photogenic F 5′7″+ for print work. 763-746-3695 x221 caryninternational.com

CASTING 8yr-adult for Robin Hood musical. FMI tctheatreandfilm.org Or 763-535-1162

VOICE LESSONS - Exp NY trained teacher. Summer disc pkgs. 1st lesson free. 651-646-5100

CHORAL SINGER AUDITIONS St. Paul Vocal Forum 651-270-0990 spvf.org

ON CAMERA CLASS Contact JRcasting@msn.com

I recently came across this article on the Strib’s website about the Spirit in the House spiritual fringe festival. I guess it’s a kind of fringe festival for those who prefer their theatre festivals a little less gay.

A single ticket will run you $12, a Sacri-licious Punch Card (five shows) will run you $48, or you can get the biggest boner by purchasing a Nirvan-A-Rama Universal Pass (unlimited shows) for $99.

I actually don’t have a problem with anything about this festival. I just thought the photo was fucking hilarious.

Actors Theater of Minnesota is currently auditioning for the upcoming production of Deer Camp: The Musical directed by Shanan Wexler. Auditions will be by invitation only and will be held on Tuesday, June 3rd at 6:00pm.

Needed are 4 men who can play 30+. Some singing and movement is involved with all of the roles.

There will be one workshop day in early June and regular rehearsals will begin on August 18th and go 5-6 days per week until opening on September 19th. The regular performance schedule will be six shows per week, Thursday – Sunday with two shows on Saturday. Performances will run from September 19th until November 30th at the Lowry Theater in downtown St Paul.

All roles are paid per performance. Rehearsals are also paid.

To be considered, email a headshot and resume to Allen Weeks at allen@actorsmn.org.

Ed. Note — I didn’t include a synopsis of Deer Camp: The Musical. If you’d like one, just close your eyes and imagine a retarded monkey riding a tricycle. Then spin around in a circle until you’re dizzy and punch yourself in the face. That should just about do it.

Guess what. You recently got news that you have this…and you’ll be dead by Monday. Have fun with these, the final 4 shows of your pathetic little life (according to us).

THURSDAY — Bulrusher

The Pillsbury House Theatre is consistently great and this play was a finalist for the 2007 Pulitzer. Throw in a stellar cast, an Obie-award-winning director, and the fact that you’re not that smart to begin with, and this is a can’t-miss. Be there at 7:30.

FRIDAY – Short Stuff: A Night of Short Plays

At 7:30, you should make your way over to Yellow Tree Theatre. Why? Because the theatre is good and you’ll get to visit Osseo. Okay…but the theatre is good.

SATURDAY — Mom’s the Word

For your final Saturday on planet Earth, you might as well go see this Actors Theater of Minnesota production at the Lowry Theatre in St. Paul. One word: nudity. And naked was invented for Saturday nights.

SUNDAY — Real Women Have Curves

After witnessing it first-hand on Saturday night, you might as well go see the 2pm performance of Real Women Have Curves over at the Wellstone Memorial Center. The show is being produced by Teatro del Pueblo, which means theater of the town.

Show To See If You’d Rather Just Kill Yourself: Forever Plaid at the Old Log. I think we’re almost out of people old enough to get the jokes in this show. Fingers crossed, they’ll all be dead very soon.

From a recent Strib post:

Chanhassen Dinner Theatres denounced legislators Tuesday for inserting language into a subsidy proposal for the Mall of America’s expansion that would prevent the theater from being part of the project.

The subsidy proposal, in its final form, includes two sentences: “…the agreement must also prohibit inclusion of an auditorium, theater or similar live entertainment venue. This paragraph does not prohibit inclusion of multi-screen movie theaters, nightclubs, restaurants, or museums.”

“This is our Disney World,” Chanhassen Dinner Theatres spokesman Tommy Scallen said of the mall’s impact on Minnesotans. Moving there would also give the theater a location that is “far more accessible than Chanhassen,” he added.

This is really too bad, considering there’s no better place for the Chanhassen Dinner Theatres than right smack in the middle of the most gigantic mall in the United States. Although, I have to say that asking which location is best for live theatre — the Mall of America or Chanhassen — is like asking which size piranha tank is best to dip your penis into.